Talent Show

I went over to my friends' frat house, I hadn't showered and felt disgusting and uncomfortable the entire time, it had been days since I showered. They were having a big talent show and were preparing for it. I sat next to my friend and we just chatted and smoked as everyone got ready for the show. I sat down into a big, ugly, old, squishy couch by myself to watch, it was really uncomfortable and I kept drifting around with how soft it was.

The first to go was a group of women in dresses twice as long as they were. None of them knew what they were doing and tripped all over themselves, knocking each other down. We all clapped anyway. One very nerdy looking woman sat down next to me after they were done, I really started to notice how badly I needed a shower.

When she sat down, it made us start to sink towards each other but I kept trying to sink back so it wouldn't be awkward. The next talent was people playing a game of Stellaris, I could tell the girl next to me was really into the game.

Eventually I started to get sweaty and uncomfortable, partly from it getting warm and partly from all the grime on my body from not showering. I sat up and kept sinking even more into the couch, the cushions going up my sides.

After squirming a bunch, a guy next to me asked what my issue was and I explained the whole couch situation. Especially how it's awkward because it's like the couch is forcing me to cuddle this people I've never even hung out with before. She laughed when she heard me say that and quietly said, "maybe we should." I said I would be down and finally got more comfortable in the couch.

The show ends and I get up and start talking to my friends. Eventually the girl comes up to me, her voice is extremely nasally. I see her face up close for the first time and it's spotted with long black hairs on her cheeks and forehead, her glasses are covered in tape. She asks if I was serious before, and I told her yes and asked for her phone number. She tells me no, and that if we do it, it has to be tonight because she's busy. She continues to mention that she lives with her family and they don't allow technology, but I could come over to her house and we'd be left alone. I say I'd need to shower but sure it could work. Then she starts asking about what we're going to do, I suggested Settlers of Catan, but she starts wiggling her fingers in front of me, pretending to grab. She asks, "can I really do this? Can I touch all of THAT? What do I even do with it? I really need all of it."

Heavy Liquid

 I lived in a large house with a huge family. The father was obsessed with swimming pools, and had a few in the house. They were all heated by large metal plates with electricity running through them, and there was a large chandelier in the dining room made out of the same metal plates. He asked me to retrieve a heavy liquid. I went to the liquid merchants, a husband and wife. The husband didn't talk, but he knew all about the liquids while the wife handled the business end of things. I asked about heavy liquids and they said they have some, but it's so valuable that they won't trade it.

I went out to the backyard, and Josh from Drake and Josh was there, he was our sibling. A crow flies down from the sky, and it transforms into Drake. He's holding a water bottle full of gasoline and is so excited thinking it's a heavy liquid. Then they start fighting over it, but I take the gasoline and keep looking for the liquid. Right when I was inside, a file organizer starts to talk to me telepathically, it's the voice of the liquid merchant's wife. She tells me that there are dark times ahead, and she will trade the heavy liquid for the gasoline. I quickly agree, and ask about the dark times. She tells me about how she met with a crow who shared some important secrets, and they must leave the area now. Confused, I tell her that my brother happens to be a crow. I stare at the file organizer for a few minutes before she tells me she has to go, and vanishes.

Guardian of the Road

 I was the guardian of the road. Nobody was allowed to pass my road. For some reason my road attracted strange people. One man was over eight feet tall and wearing a blue morph suit filled with gold ingots. He was walking up to my barricades, and I started yelling "STOP! YOU! TURN AROUND!" and it took him awhile, but eventually he stopped. I tried talking to him, but he didn't know very many words and kept repeating "I'm made out of money." So I come to the realization that this man needs to go to the bank to be deposited, and fortunately I have a bank on my road. 

Then a woman approached my road, her boobs and butt were larger than the rest of her body. She kept trying to flirt with me, but I kept pushing her away and telling her "I only care about my road." But I had to help the blue man make his deposit and went into the bank. The banker was a mannequin, so he couldn't talk so I gave up. We walked outside, and some man was stabbing the woman, her boobs and butt started to deflate like balloons. He runs up to the blue man and stabs him too, and all his gold falls out of his suit and crushes the guy with the knife. The blue man started screaming in joy because he was no longer weighed down by all that gold and ran off. Then a snake slithers out of the woman's deflated body and is so excited about how beautiful of a snake she is, and how she's going to be an amazing prostitute. 

The entire scene pans out into the sky, and it turns out I was watching a VHS tape that was labeled as a porno and I quickly scramble to try and find the Part 2.

Only Real Emergencies

Anna, Noah, and I were driving down the road when we noticed the wind stopped and the clouds vanished. We pulled over and went outside to check things out. A huge gust of wind pushes me onto the ground, I look over at my friends and they flew up into the air. Anna landed on her back, and Noah landed on his head. I ask them if they need an ambulance and both of them say yes. Noah calls 911 and answers with, "We need an ambulance, the wind is strong" to which the dispatcher replies, "Sorry, we only do real emergencies. Anna gets pissed, grabs the phone, and starts explaining what is actually going on, so they send an ambulance. I suggest that I just put them back in the car and drive them to the hospital instead, since I'm fine. But Anna insisted that it would be safer to wait for the ambulance. We chatted for hours until the sun started to go down, and an old blue car pulls up next to us. There's a very creepy man driving it, he doesn't say anything. I carry my friends into the car, and I accidentally broke the car door handle. I shrugged it off and didn't say anything, assuming that if this is a kidnapping, the police can use that as a clue.

Ego Uncle

I had an uncle who constantly felt the need to be the hero, so we would throw huge parties for him to celebrate even the smallest of good deeds he did. We would always hire a photographer and tell him it was because the newspaper wanted to publish the story.

We would often exaggerate the good deed to make it sound more like it was worth celebrating, and essentially gaslight him into thinking he actually did something really amazing. We were throwing a party because he gave someone a compliment, but the story kept getting exaggerated to the point where the cake said "Jeff is so great for saving that disabled veteran who fell from the sky, giving him a good education, and then some sandwiches."

In stark contrast to his wife, who everyone hated. She told another family member that she's so fat that she needs to eat in the car so nobody has to watch her, which she did just to get away from her. I started talking to my family, asking why she was so rude to everyone and trying to psychoanalyze her behavior, but everyone just told me I'm overthinking things and she's just a bitch.

Noodle Head

I was sitting in a university lecture, and the guy sitting in front of us was bald and had huge wounds all over his head. But there was one spot that looked exactly like ramen noodles with chunks of chicken in it. My friend kept poking and pulling at all of it, and Noodle Head just kept giggling saying "oh stop it." Eventually we all couldn't help but touch it because it was just so weird. It was as if he had huge gouges in his skull and then stuffed them with ramen and chicken. Eventually we pulled it all out, and we were covered in bloody ramen and the professor wouldn't let us clean up.

Arcade on the Water

I was living on a strange house where the floor floated on top of the lake. My friend, Levi, was visiting and we were playing Game Boy, but he was somehow uploading everything into a PS3 he was carrying around because he wanted the extra storage space. He also had some tech magazine, he was trying to explain things in it, which I understood perfectly, but kept skipping it saying I wouldn't understand.

Eventually a bunch of people started to arrived for a party. We had these weird high tech glasses, one pair could calculate distances and could x-ray to measure depth. One of the guys there kept complaining about how nobody can touch his back because it's extremely sensitive and hurts way too much. I used the glasses to look, and his left side was completely shaved, but his right side had a hair mat that was four inches thick.

The party went on and as it got late, everyone there was an asshole to everyone, but we started discussing sleeping arrangements for the 16 people there. Then some huge waves started to shoot up through the floorboards, I ran through them to find out what was going on. A couple of the people were standing in the lake, grabbing the floorboards and shaking them to make the waves. I yelled at them to knock it off, but it was too late and the house broke off from the shoreline and floated out onto the lake. It crashed into an offshore arcade, and my sister commented about how this feels like a shitty movie.

We all went inside to play the arcade games, and I went around to explore. I found a medical room with a few EMTs sitting around smoking cigarettes, and a man sitting with him who couldn't breathe. I went back to the games, and this little Korean kid started following me around. There was this miniature curling game that was similar to a skee-ball table, but with a layer of ice on it. I kept using the curling stone to scrape off the ice because I thought it was cool watching the ice reform.

Then a little Korean boy came up to me and started poking me in the back, but I kept telling him to leave me alone because I wanted to play with the ice. Eventually I got bored and went back to talk to my sister, she showed me a sticker she found. I pointed at the boy and said "I think I found the neighborhood pet, don't give him attention, he's annoying." Which made him embarrassed and he left, so my sister and I went back to playing games. I take a closer look at the tokens for the games, and notice that they're all close up pictures of all the different body parts of a Korean woman, but with black figures shadowing over things.

The boy shows back up again and starts throwing tokens at us, I caught one and the picture was an eye crying blood. I called out, "Hey! He's got the weird coins!" and I start to chase after him, but my sister yells that I shouldn't go. When I get around the corner, I see his dad there, he's furious. He starts stomping and his face shrivels up and he yells, "Silence! Search no longer!" And black blood started pouring out of his face.

Walmart Cult

I was in Walmart making a documentary about police violence. There was an old lady and an employee who was around 6'6, a bit bigger, and he had a ponytail. They were arguing about her eyeglass prescription. She's saying how it's ridiculous how easy it is to remove organs from people and that there's probably bodies in the street. Ponytail tells her to just go to checkout because she's crazy. I ask him for an interview and he says sure after he gets done with his shift.

I walk around the front of Walmart, it's getting close to twilight. And that old lady hands me a thick black blanket with the anarchy symbol on it and tells me to keep warm tonight, I didn't ask any questions I was just like "fuck okay, thanks, this is awesome."

Ponytail walks out and we start the interview, he wants to be anonymous so we did the shadow face thing you see in documentaries. He tells me about how the police are brutal in this area, every night it gets worse, and if I just stuck around, I would see what really happens, so I decide that I will.

I sat on a bench wrapped up in the anarchy blanket and just watched the people in the parking lot trickle out as the sun went down. Eventually I see a few cops show up and they start spraying graffiti on the ground. After they leave I go and take some pictures of it, do a little of my own graffiti on top of it and take another picture.

Ponytail shows up and comments on my graffiti. The same cops show up to yell at me that graffiti is illegal, and ponytail says "I think you've seen enough already" and he put his hands forward. His skin starting to bubble and wrinkle, and his skin was moving around. The police fell to the ground and their skin falls off and all their organs spill out onto the asphalt.

I turn over to ponytail and suddenly he's wearing a red robe that's way too big for him, can't see his face or hands or anything other skin. The sky is deep red, and there's a ton of other people in red robes slowly getting closer. Ponytail says something like "you've learned too much" and he pulls out a dime. I started begging him to let me live and I say I won't say anything. He flips the dime and it lands on the ground, he says "in 5 minutes" and I kept begging more. He flips a quarter and it lands on the ground "you'll be on your last life.. better make it count." He pulls back his robe and shows his wrinkly hands, and he puts his sleeve up to my face and tells me to drink. I "drink" from it but there's nothing there, just air, and I instantly woke up.

Too Many Pets

I was in my bedroom with my cat, Curie and my old cat, Hexe. Only in this alternate universe we had way to many weird pets. Curie was introduced to a few of them which she all disliked, including an alligator, a gorilla, and a pig. I was sitting in my room about to roll a joint. There were little poops all over my room suddenly and they'd slowly shrink down and disintegrate over time before being replaced. I gave Hexe some pets and every time I turned around to look at another animal, there would be a new one in my room. First was a parrot who was cleaning Curie, she actually liked the parrot. Then a duck, then the pig, and then a gorilla. At that point I was sick of the poops and felt too crowded and decided to kick everyone out of my room. I went to get a bag for the poop, and Curie followed me.

The parrot and duck were playing in the sink, the parrot knew how to turn it on. But they started making a mess, so Curie hopped up there and said ,"wow these idiots, you're lucky I'm here to keep things in order" and I just responded with, "you're right Curie, you're the best." I walked past the basement and the alligator was sitting down there, but I ignored it and kept looking for a bag. Then I heard Curie yowling and I quickly turned around. She had all her claws in me, holding on for dear life because the alligator bit down and was holding on to her tail. My sister noticed immediately and grabbed the alligator from behind and was pulling it backwards. I grabbed one of those mouse on a stick toys that just happened to be by me and started smacking the alligator with it, which it then let go of Curie. I wagged the toy in front of it so it would bite down on the toy instead, while it was distracted, my sister grabbed it from behind and picked it up. Scolding it saying that cats aren't for eating and she brought it into the basement.

FemmeTube

I went on a date with a really tall body builder-type woman, she wanted to go hiking in the snow. We were both naked, and I couldn't keep up with her pace, so she just gave me a piggy back ride as she sprinted through the hills. After the date, I got on the bus I rode in high school to go home. It missed my stop and I ended up in a grassy field that I had to walk through to get home. It was full of snakes and tiny painted turtles with snake heads, they'd all jump out and try and bite me, so I had to kick them or step on them just to get through the grass. Eventually I made it home and sat down at my computer desk. I opened up YouTube and they introduced a new version called FemmeTube which blocked all toxically masculine content.

Precious Condoms

I was playing cards with someone on a table, on a railroad track, at a crossroads in the middle of nowhere. Then we saw a mine cart with a woman in it moving down the tracks toward us, and a dog ran up to say hello to us. I slapped down my cards and told the stranger I was playing with that we should go on an adventure and invite that woman and bring the dog, he said sure.

When the woman got to us, she was obviously homeless and we asked if she wanted to go into town with us because we have a cute dog. She said sure and started showing us the items she she had on her. She had a used muffin liner that she kept a few coins and unwrapped condoms in. I asked her why they were unwrapped and she said it was so they can fit in the liner. She only had a few but they were precious to her even though she'd sleep with anyone as long as they used a condom. We didn't ask any more questions and got into the car and started driving

She started telling us about all the sexual experiences she had lately, and saying whether or not they were worth the use of a precious condom or not. But in my dream they played out as third person flashbacks of us watching her having sex with her narrating the experience, which were usually just them in missionary saying "wow this was not worth a condom."

Extradimensional Sandwiches

A friend of mine had gambling addiction in this dream and would shave her legs as she gambled. Her, me, and a couple other people went to Subway and we were all chilling. My pants were also very very bright red. We were making our own sandwiches, and nobody could count except me so I had to show everyone how many slices of meat to put on. There was a missing half of a sandwich and after we sat down, the gambler was talking about how she ate the missing sandwich and wondered if she could get the other half for free too. But then one friend started making fun of her saying "you threw up the half you ate, why would you want the other half?" She turned really red and embarrassed because it was true, and then I thought it would be a good idea to wave some turkey slices around in front of her face before eating them.

A random guy shows up and grabs the gambler's ankles and picks her up by them and yells something like "RAZOR BURNS ON YOUR ANKLES!? YOU'VE BEEN GAMBLING AGAIN HAVEN'T YOU??" and throws her out the window. My friends and I rush outside and it turns out the subway is in a weird alternate dimension. There's also a cactus outside and her body was gone, just leaving her cellphone on the ground. We all assume Minecraft logic, where if you drop an item onto a cactus, it is totally destroyed. We start to mourn her disintegration, and I angrily take off my red pants and throw them at the subway because I'm frustrated there was nothing we could do.

As I'm mourning, I go through a portal and there's four floating platforms above a forest with vines on the platforms stretching all the way down. There's this strange gold statues on the platforms holding orbs, I get a really uneasy feeling that something is going to come after me in this world, so I go to a different one. This one has the platforms on the forest floor, and I feel like whatever is after me is even closer so I decide to go back to the subway dimension. I end up on the roof and there's these weird animal men with weapons running around the subway, I see my bright red pants on the roof and quickly try to put them on. But they were all bunched up so I had to like shake my leg to unravel them as I put my legs through. And then I got a text from the gambler saying I'm an idiot because she was hiding in her phone the whole time.

Fish Diplomacy

There was this sentient aggressive fish species and I was helping with the diplomacy. One of the fish wanted their eggs back that we had for unknown reasons, there was a little hiccup and the eggs didn't transfer correctly out of the pod we were in. So the fish ripped off the glass of the diplomacy pod and I tried swimming around to find air but I woke myself up because I was holding my breath in real life.

Friendsgiving Orgy

I was living in some house by myself, and my neighbor was a drug addicted OnlyFans star. I was wandering around the yard when I saw my neighbor and she started yelling a bunch of crazy things at me, I just said some of my usual hippy bullshit and she seemed to calm down before I left. I was watching tv, and looked out the window and she was recording herself masturbating, but I didn't want to be rude and watch. I blink, and I suddenly appear in her bathroom, I'm very confused but go to walk out and she's really embarrassed because she's naked and very angry because I'm in her house. I explain to her that I have no idea how I got in, and I just want to go home. She didn't believe me and threw some stuff at me as I left calling me a pervert. But I asked her if she wanted to come to my Thanksgiving I was having, it was just going to be friends and she could bring her boyfriend or whatever, and she says yes.

So there's some people at my house and we're all drinking and smoking, and there's a huge buffet of all this delicious Thanksgiving food. One of my friends was speedrunning Super Mario 64 to try and impress some of the girls, it doesn't work. And I'm sitting with the neighbor and a few of the girls she brought with. Slowly over time, people just started getting naked, and at this point, the neighbor and one of the girls was naked. The neighbor was talking about her struggles with drug addiction and how great it is doing OnlyFans, I thought it was really interesting and was really into the conversion. But I was hungry, so I went to get some food, when I stood up, suddenly I was naked, and also had half a boner because hot naked ladies were around me but it didn't feel weird and went to grab food anyway.

When I get back, there's these two girls who are very short, skinny, and naked and they both seem very into me. Somehow I accidentally drop my plate on the floor, and one of the girls gets on her hands and knees and starts acting like a dog and eats some of the food as she looked at me. I thought it was kinda weird but also kinda hot. But then she puked a little on the plate and ran off embarrassed to clean herself up. Then before I could grab the plate, the other girl said "I can be your little pet too" and started eating the food, she didn't realize that there was puke on it and just thought it was gravy. I gagged and I pulled the plate from her and didn't tell her to save her from the embarrassment.

Later, I was getting really horny. And I started flirting with one of those girls from before, the puke girl for whatever reason, but she wasn't interested and was about to leave, but she slipped a tiny notebook in my hand before she did.

The dream cuts to me driving with some friends, and I pull out the notebook that girl gave me and it was some kind of investigation and it had an address of a phone booth and said to find out who was using it. We went over to the phone booth, and first person we saw using it had a name tag on it. So I went to write in the book, and it had this tiny pencil I had to use, that was less than an inch long and as thin as a toothpick. So I really struggled to write anything, and I did it in cursive so it was impossible to read anyway.

Curie's Odyssey

I had a dream that I lived in this little ocean side town in this weird Studio Ghibli-esque fantasy world. I was with this old guy who left the town on a boat to go and look for something. But I had a paramotor that I would fly around on with my cat, Curie.

We were running out of water and the old guy was going crazy and started drinking the salt water, we were far away from home, but we were close to another town that I found while flying around with Curie. So we land there, the old guy says he's going to stay there, and I decide to go home.

We were really far away, so I decided to look for a train, so Curie and I go flying around until we find this big city and we went to explore it. Eventually I got on a rickshaw and they started going without Curie, I kept begging them to stop for her as I was watching her chase the rickshaw screaming at me before she managed to jump on.

Later we eventually got onto a train headed to our hometown. It was really old and the windows were broken, Curie decided to jump out the window as the train was stopped at the station. I wasn't very concerned about it, but the person sitting next to me called me a bad cat owner for letting her go, and I said "if you love someone, let them go." He called me an idiot for saying that and that if you love something, you shouldn't ever let them leave you. It turned into a big debate, but I ended it with "as long as Curie's happy, I'm happy."

Eventually I got back home, and I was saying hi to everyone and after awhile Curie started screaming at me again as she beat me home.

Caucasion Massages

I was in high school again and there was this girl that I liked, but I was really confused about if I should ask her out or not. But we were hanging out a lot outside of school recently and she kept making hints that she liked me. Then when I went to the high school, I had a shopping cart and I was bringing it to the cafeteria. That girl told me "If you were ever my date to a wedding, you'd have to be my boyfriend. Also, my cousin is getting married this weekend, get a tux so you can come" and I just left in confusion.

As I was wheeling my shopping cart I was lost in thought, and I accidentally walked all the way to the middle school part. So I turned around and went back to the cafeteria, but I got stopped by four of my male teachers. They said they're making changes around here and handed me a pamphlet and said they were going to take me back to class so they could let the other students know. As they walked me back, I read the pamphlet.

It said that in order to maintain student safety, they were going to keep all the Caucasian students together separate from the rest. And then the rest of the pamphlet showed a bunch of different penis massage techniques, saying how they are required for men to properly function in society, so the women staff and students would have to provide massages to the men whenever they asked.

When I got back to class, there was only a few other students and the teacher was playing porn on the projector. I sat down next to a friend and the teacher took someone out of the room to have a chat with them. I showed my friend the pamphlet and told him how outraged I was about it. He just said "I don't know, penis massages sound kind of nice" and I got so mad I flipped the table and ran out with my shopping cart.

Gordon Ramsey's Cock Kitchen

Gordon Ramsey hired a bunch of college students, including me, for researching something. He had all of us stand in a line with large wood planks and he was wearing massive bellows on his feet. He would walk onto the planks and the bellows would blow the hats off of the students, he was getting really angry at yelling at every student for very specific things, usually stuff that didn't matter.

I showed up late, so I was at the end of the line, so he never even got to me because he was just yelling the whole time. Eventually he told everyone to leave, but he told me to stay and to drop my pants. I told him no but then he offered me more money so I said fuck it and I did. He put some drops of some essential oil on my dick and held it in his hands and started to say mantas. Dream me knew that in this universe this was some new controversial way of having visions and certain people's dicks would work better than others. He started frantically writing some things down, so I knew that I was apparently very valuable to his next phase of research. I was getting very uncomfortable because he was such an asshole to everyone, and my sister showed up to take me home. Ramsey kept yelling how he was going to pay me more, and I said I wanted at least $10 a second of cock touching and his face turned super red before he started screaming that I don't deserve that kind of money, and I just told him he's a jerk and left.

San Francisco Island

This was back around 2012 or 2013, I was staying over at a friends house and had this dream. The first thing I did was tell my friend about my dream and I still remember it to this day.

The world was made up of different floating islands in the ocean, each island represented a specific culture from all time periods and places. I was living on "Viking Island" and was with two of my real life friends. We were in the center of the island when a pillar of bright blue water came down from the sky and a woman descended within it. She told us "You must all push Viking Island into San Francisco Island, and slay them all." Everyone looked at each other in confusion, one person said that the color of the pillar's water was too blue and doesn't match the ocean's blue, so it should not be trusted. But the general consensus was that we wanted to raid anyway, so we all jumped into the water and started pushing together. Not long after, the island crashes into San Francisco Island, and everyone storms it. Everyone on the island was an extremely stereotypical 2012-era hipster and emo type and they just tried to run away.

One of my friends and I stumbled into an old, dusty server room with a large monitor. As we walked in, it lit up and announced, "BRING ME BLUEPRINTS." But since my friend and I were from Viking Island, we didn't know what that meant, so we tried our best by bringing it various objects we found trying to figure out what it wanted. Things like trash we found in bins, squirrels, birds, items in the server room, but the monitor just kept replying, "THIS IS NOT A BLUEPRINT." Eventually we just got annoyed and left to go raid some more San Francisco homes.