Talent Show

I went over to my friends' frat house, I hadn't showered and felt disgusting and uncomfortable the entire time, it had been days since I showered. They were having a big talent show and were preparing for it. I sat next to my friend and we just chatted and smoked as everyone got ready for the show. I sat down into a big, ugly, old, squishy couch by myself to watch, it was really uncomfortable and I kept drifting around with how soft it was.

The first to go was a group of women in dresses twice as long as they were. None of them knew what they were doing and tripped all over themselves, knocking each other down. We all clapped anyway. One very nerdy looking woman sat down next to me after they were done, I really started to notice how badly I needed a shower.

When she sat down, it made us start to sink towards each other but I kept trying to sink back so it wouldn't be awkward. The next talent was people playing a game of Stellaris, I could tell the girl next to me was really into the game.

Eventually I started to get sweaty and uncomfortable, partly from it getting warm and partly from all the grime on my body from not showering. I sat up and kept sinking even more into the couch, the cushions going up my sides.

After squirming a bunch, a guy next to me asked what my issue was and I explained the whole couch situation. Especially how it's awkward because it's like the couch is forcing me to cuddle this people I've never even hung out with before. She laughed when she heard me say that and quietly said, "maybe we should." I said I would be down and finally got more comfortable in the couch.

The show ends and I get up and start talking to my friends. Eventually the girl comes up to me, her voice is extremely nasally. I see her face up close for the first time and it's spotted with long black hairs on her cheeks and forehead, her glasses are covered in tape. She asks if I was serious before, and I told her yes and asked for her phone number. She tells me no, and that if we do it, it has to be tonight because she's busy. She continues to mention that she lives with her family and they don't allow technology, but I could come over to her house and we'd be left alone. I say I'd need to shower but sure it could work. Then she starts asking about what we're going to do, I suggested Settlers of Catan, but she starts wiggling her fingers in front of me, pretending to grab. She asks, "can I really do this? Can I touch all of THAT? What do I even do with it? I really need all of it."

Heavy Liquid

 I lived in a large house with a huge family. The father was obsessed with swimming pools, and had a few in the house. They were all heated by large metal plates with electricity running through them, and there was a large chandelier in the dining room made out of the same metal plates. He asked me to retrieve a heavy liquid. I went to the liquid merchants, a husband and wife. The husband didn't talk, but he knew all about the liquids while the wife handled the business end of things. I asked about heavy liquids and they said they have some, but it's so valuable that they won't trade it.

I went out to the backyard, and Josh from Drake and Josh was there, he was our sibling. A crow flies down from the sky, and it transforms into Drake. He's holding a water bottle full of gasoline and is so excited thinking it's a heavy liquid. Then they start fighting over it, but I take the gasoline and keep looking for the liquid. Right when I was inside, a file organizer starts to talk to me telepathically, it's the voice of the liquid merchant's wife. She tells me that there are dark times ahead, and she will trade the heavy liquid for the gasoline. I quickly agree, and ask about the dark times. She tells me about how she met with a crow who shared some important secrets, and they must leave the area now. Confused, I tell her that my brother happens to be a crow. I stare at the file organizer for a few minutes before she tells me she has to go, and vanishes.

Guardian of the Road

 I was the guardian of the road. Nobody was allowed to pass my road. For some reason my road attracted strange people. One man was over eight feet tall and wearing a blue morph suit filled with gold ingots. He was walking up to my barricades, and I started yelling "STOP! YOU! TURN AROUND!" and it took him awhile, but eventually he stopped. I tried talking to him, but he didn't know very many words and kept repeating "I'm made out of money." So I come to the realization that this man needs to go to the bank to be deposited, and fortunately I have a bank on my road. 

Then a woman approached my road, her boobs and butt were larger than the rest of her body. She kept trying to flirt with me, but I kept pushing her away and telling her "I only care about my road." But I had to help the blue man make his deposit and went into the bank. The banker was a mannequin, so he couldn't talk so I gave up. We walked outside, and some man was stabbing the woman, her boobs and butt started to deflate like balloons. He runs up to the blue man and stabs him too, and all his gold falls out of his suit and crushes the guy with the knife. The blue man started screaming in joy because he was no longer weighed down by all that gold and ran off. Then a snake slithers out of the woman's deflated body and is so excited about how beautiful of a snake she is, and how she's going to be an amazing prostitute. 

The entire scene pans out into the sky, and it turns out I was watching a VHS tape that was labeled as a porno and I quickly scramble to try and find the Part 2.

The Popcorn Men

 I was talking to my family about our weird relatives. Someone mentioned that one aunt, while their mom was gone, brought their horse inside to give birth in their bedroom and they fed it cereal. We all laughed and jokes about it for awhile.

I had a flashback to when that aunt was a kid. She was living in garbage, and a gross redneck was showing her a new job he wanted her to do. He kept telling her his underwear was very important because it was from the 90s and it could be used as cement. For the job, they had a big hose and were spraying down some machinery. He takes his pants off and puts his underwear on the hose until it's wet and he grabs a pinecone. He teaches her the "popcorn song" which was like a cheerful children's song that ended with you wrapping your finger around the bridge of your nose and shouting "Pop!"

 He told her that she needs to get her friends to meet him and his friend, and bring some pinecones. So she did, and they all started singing the popcorn song together. When they put their fingers on their noses and yelled "Pop!" all of their noses exploded, looking like large bloody, fleshy pieces of popcorn. The hicks, overjoyed ran off into the woods cheering. The girls panicked and ran away and went home, hiding their noses from their families. That same night, two shadowy figures broke in through the windows and killed their entire families. They tried going after the girls too, but couldn't, so they ran out the broken windows and into the night.

Only Real Emergencies

Anna, Noah, and I were driving down the road when we noticed the wind stopped and the clouds vanished. We pulled over and went outside to check things out. A huge gust of wind pushes me onto the ground, I look over at my friends and they flew up into the air. Anna landed on her back, and Noah landed on his head. I ask them if they need an ambulance and both of them say yes. Noah calls 911 and answers with, "We need an ambulance, the wind is strong" to which the dispatcher replies, "Sorry, we only do real emergencies. Anna gets pissed, grabs the phone, and starts explaining what is actually going on, so they send an ambulance. I suggest that I just put them back in the car and drive them to the hospital instead, since I'm fine. But Anna insisted that it would be safer to wait for the ambulance. We chatted for hours until the sun started to go down, and an old blue car pulls up next to us. There's a very creepy man driving it, he doesn't say anything. I carry my friends into the car, and I accidentally broke the car door handle. I shrugged it off and didn't say anything, assuming that if this is a kidnapping, the police can use that as a clue.

Ego Uncle

I had an uncle who constantly felt the need to be the hero, so we would throw huge parties for him to celebrate even the smallest of good deeds he did. We would always hire a photographer and tell him it was because the newspaper wanted to publish the story.

We would often exaggerate the good deed to make it sound more like it was worth celebrating, and essentially gaslight him into thinking he actually did something really amazing. We were throwing a party because he gave someone a compliment, but the story kept getting exaggerated to the point where the cake said "Jeff is so great for saving that disabled veteran who fell from the sky, giving him a good education, and then some sandwiches."

In stark contrast to his wife, who everyone hated. She told another family member that she's so fat that she needs to eat in the car so nobody has to watch her, which she did just to get away from her. I started talking to my family, asking why she was so rude to everyone and trying to psychoanalyze her behavior, but everyone just told me I'm overthinking things and she's just a bitch.

Noodle Head

I was sitting in a university lecture, and the guy sitting in front of us was bald and had huge wounds all over his head. But there was one spot that looked exactly like ramen noodles with chunks of chicken in it. My friend kept poking and pulling at all of it, and Noodle Head just kept giggling saying "oh stop it." Eventually we all couldn't help but touch it because it was just so weird. It was as if he had huge gouges in his skull and then stuffed them with ramen and chicken. Eventually we pulled it all out, and we were covered in bloody ramen and the professor wouldn't let us clean up.

Too Many Pets

I was in my bedroom with my cat, Curie and my old cat, Hexe. Only in this alternate universe we had way to many weird pets. Curie was introduced to a few of them which she all disliked, including an alligator, a gorilla, and a pig. I was sitting in my room about to roll a joint. There were little poops all over my room suddenly and they'd slowly shrink down and disintegrate over time before being replaced. I gave Hexe some pets and every time I turned around to look at another animal, there would be a new one in my room. First was a parrot who was cleaning Curie, she actually liked the parrot. Then a duck, then the pig, and then a gorilla. At that point I was sick of the poops and felt too crowded and decided to kick everyone out of my room. I went to get a bag for the poop, and Curie followed me.

The parrot and duck were playing in the sink, the parrot knew how to turn it on. But they started making a mess, so Curie hopped up there and said ,"wow these idiots, you're lucky I'm here to keep things in order" and I just responded with, "you're right Curie, you're the best." I walked past the basement and the alligator was sitting down there, but I ignored it and kept looking for a bag. Then I heard Curie yowling and I quickly turned around. She had all her claws in me, holding on for dear life because the alligator bit down and was holding on to her tail. My sister noticed immediately and grabbed the alligator from behind and was pulling it backwards. I grabbed one of those mouse on a stick toys that just happened to be by me and started smacking the alligator with it, which it then let go of Curie. I wagged the toy in front of it so it would bite down on the toy instead, while it was distracted, my sister grabbed it from behind and picked it up. Scolding it saying that cats aren't for eating and she brought it into the basement.